A. A. Gill

The usual sniggering examples of animal behaviour were brought in to explain cheating. Funny how the behaviour of shrews and gibbons is never used to explain table manners or road safety or gardening, only sex. Anyway, it was bad Darwinism. Taking the example of a monkey and applying it to yourself misses the point that animal behaviour is made for the benefit of the species, not as an excuse for the individual. Being incapable of sustaining a stable pair and supporting children is really not in the interests of our species. Neither is it really in the best interests of the philanderer.

The usual sniggering examples of animal behaviour were brought in to … Read More

Get up now and go and find Robert Kilroy-Silk. Smile in a warm, friendly sort of way, then punch him on the nose. Now go and find Robert on television, despite my best endeavours, this is still relatively easy to do. Wait for a close-up, same smile, and punch him on the nose. If you followed the instructions carefully, you will have noticed a distinct difference. On the one hand, you were suffused with a sense of public-spirited righteousness; on the other, you’re probably dribbling blood. That’s the difference between reality in life and reality on television.

Get up now and go and find Robert Kilroy-Silk. Smile in … Read More

A country scratching a lazy irritation at sagging doorjambs and late trains, whose greatest attribute is a collective, smelly tolerance, where a chap will put up with almost everything, which means he won’t care about anything enough to get out of a chair.A country of public insouciance and private, grubby guilt, where you can believe anything as long as you don’t believe it too fervently. A country where the highest aspiration is for a quiet life.

A country scratching a lazy irritation at sagging doorjambs and late … Read More

I walk up a dune to a beach and look out to sea, but it’s 100km away. The ships lie askew in their dry beds, at anchor for ever. Today is my son’s birthday. Thousands of miles from here, his healthy lungs are blowing out candles. I should be there but I’m here with another boy, who puts his face close to mine and laughs. I smile back but realise he can’t see it, because I’m wearing an antiseptic muzzles to protect me from his breath.

I walk up a dune to a beach and look out … Read More