You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
“You know your getting older when you lay in bed til … Read More
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
“My wife and I had an argument last week that was … Read More
I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.
“I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She … Read More
To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
“To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your … Read More
A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
“A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that … Read More
Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
“Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get … Read More
My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let’s stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn’t! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that’s what it tastes like!
“My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store … Read More
Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
“Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your … Read More
Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
“Just when I think the human race has been lost to … Read More
Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
“Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have … Read More
I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
“I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell … Read More
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
“If your mother still drives you to school, you are not … Read More
I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
“I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, … Read More
My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don’t possess what I like to call that … discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was … gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, “Dude, shut up.” She hadn’t walked two feet behind us and he goes “God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?” And all I could say was “Yeah, I did!”
“My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. … Read More
The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
“The older you get, the more people think they have to … Read More
I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
“I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and … Read More
I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
“I’d love to be a woman for one day of my … Read More
He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”
“He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your … Read More
Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.
“Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.” Bill … Read More