“My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know … Read More
“Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.” Bill Engvall
“Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping … Read More
“Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.” Bill … Read More
“I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.” Bill Engvall
“If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!” Bill Engvall
“I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some … Read More
“You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.” Bill … Read More
“My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.” … Read More
“I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered … Read More
“To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.” … Read More
“A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.” Bill Engvall
“Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.” Bill Engvall
“I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner … Read More
“And don’t put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!” Bill Engvall
“Because we’ve become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? ‘Cause I … Read More
“I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.” Bill Engvall
“So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel … Read More
“You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!” Bill Engvall
“I thought “RV” stood for “Recreational Vehicle.” No! It stands for “Ruins Vacations.”” Bill Engvall
